The Family Lineup

Oldest, middle, youngest… how much does birth order matter?

Some of your personality traits — that sunny outlook, say, or quick temper—were probably inborn. But how different would you be today if you’d been the youngest instead of the middle child?

Back in Sigmund Freud’s day, psychologist Alfred Adler decided you’d be very different; he based his whole theory of personality on birth order. “Thinking has evolved since then, and nothing is proven,” says licensed clinical social worker Rosanne Teders of Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network. “But birth order can be useful in understanding yourself and your relationships.”

“Remember, this is just one piece of the puzzle,” says Teders’ colleague, child-adolescent psychiatrist Dhanalakshmi Ramasamy, M.D. “Gender, family size and spacing, health, ethnicity and other factors play a role.” That said, here’s a summary of the family lineup:

The Responsible Oldest

Firstborn children tend to be hard workers and high achievers (typically in business, academic or professional careers). If they push too hard they can be bossy and perfectionistic—in Adler’s view, a desperate bid to regain their parents’ undivided attention. They’re somewhat more prone to depression and anxiety disorders.

Being an oldest — Step back sometimes and let others take charge. Take a lesson from your youngest sibling; lighten up and learn to play.

Parenting an oldest — Don’t turn your oldest into a mini-parent by burdening her with too much family responsibility.

The Peaceable Middle

Middle children are relationship-oriented and tend to be people-pleasers who dislike confrontation. Learning from (and competing with) older siblings and caring for younger ones, they’re flexible and well-rounded. Middles often become caregivers, and may have trouble setting boundaries. This can result in victimization or burnout.

Being a middle — Learn to take care of yourself, too. Practice being assertive and saying “no.”

Parenting a middle — Middle children don’t call attention to themselves, so they can be “invisible” if you’re not careful.

The Charming Youngest

Youngest children often are extroverts with strong people skills. Accustomed to being taken care of, they can be self-centered. They tend to get bored quickly, and for this reason may not be taken seriously. Youngests are more likely than older siblings to engage in risk-taking behavior.

Being a youngest — Stay grounded and focus on what you want to achieve. Your appealing personality will help you succeed.

Parenting a youngest — Give your “baby” a set of responsibilities and hold him to it.

Good parenting helps defuse birth-order problems, our experts agree: “Treat your children as equally as possible, make special time for each, encourage individual interests, play fair and don’t compare!”

ARTICLE TOOLS: